This title calls for a humorous approach. Gross humor, black humor most likely, but humor nontheless and for the first 16 pages, I wasn't quit getting it. Instead, I'm getting a tone of wistfulness. I like it. It may be what this story should be, but its not right for the title, quite.
I had pushed the script out to 16 pages, and today I trimmed it back to 14, shifted the one bit of black humor to the lead character, where it belongs. The story moves a bit faster now, which I like.
It will probably require more editing, but I'm at a point I could call the first chapter, so maybe its time to do a bit of drawing... character design and such. Or more outlining, perhaps a beat sheet. Its possible to plan too much and not really move forward on a project. I'm glad I've got this one underway. It gives me material to push back against.
BTW: If you think this sounds like a terribly undisciplined approach, I might agree with you. For now though, I am just unreeling a line into the water to see what kind of fish I catch.